Recently I've started watching Sex and the City and I can already tell that its going to one of my new favorite shows if not my favorite of all time. It might be too soon to tell considering I'm only on episode 5 (hehe). I think watching Sex and the City is a right of passage. Its something I remember my mother watching with her girlfriends when I was younger, shooing me out of the room because of the MANY intimate scenes. Now I'm finally older and more mature to understand the context of the show. Dating in New York is a lot like dating in college. All of the sweet men are taken and we're left with the ones who only care about looks. College boys (I wouldn't dare call them men) run wild and enjoy nothing but no strings attached relationships. My experiences with love are slim to none. Growing up my way of showing I liked a guy was picking on him enough to make him think I hated him. When I got to high school I was still shy in my love advances and kept most of my crushes at just that, a crush. I only ever got close with one guy while I was in high school. He was very sweet to me and took every punch I through at him. I enjoyed hanging out with him after school and learning more about him and his family. My only regret from high school is that we never had an official relationship which was mainly due to me. I was the one who was scared. Scared of what it meant to be someone's "girlfriend" and what it entailed. Now I'm a sophomore in college and it seems like more more I yearn for a significant other to spend my time with. But there is still some part of me that feels like I'm not ready for one. My problem with relationships is that I give the boy too much power. I let him determine the relationship which usually ends up being nothing more than a hookup. I'm too afraid to admit how I really feel in fear that I'll get hurt. Lying to my friends that I don't like a guy so it doesn't seem like I'm pathetic. Time and time again I fall for boys who don't feel the same and I cling onto whatever kind of relationship I can get from them. Not only is this a big ding in my self confidence but it leaves me with the ever present question What did I do wrong?, Was I too clingy? Am I not pretty enough? Did I say the wrong thing? Am I not a good kisser? and the list goes on and on...... but watching Sex and the City has made me realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places. If I continue to pawn after shitty college guys I'm going to continue to get the same results. If I continue to look for love in sweaty frat parties I'm going to continue to get the same results. It's like looking through the dumpster in hopes of finding a diamond necklace. You can look, but odds are you're not going to find the diamond in the rough. Most of the time college isn't where you're going to find your true love and that's okay. It is okay if a guy doesn't like you back. You have the rest of your life to find the one. You should not get choked up over someone who's just passing in your life. So in that case, kiss a couple frogs and have fun with it. You're only young once. More often that not us woman give men all the power. Why can't we be in control for once? As Carrie said, "Why can't we fuck like men?".
One day I will find my person and when I do it's going to be great. So instead of crying over all of the frogs I've kissed I can instead learn from them. I can learn what I do and do not want in a relationship. I can set standards for how I want to be treated. I am not going to let boys control the narrative anymore. I'm taking the reigns now, I'm calling the shots. And who knows, maybe one of these frogs might turn out to be a prince ;) Signing off xoxo Heaven
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' Yesterday marked 19 years of me living on God's green earth. In the past my birthday has been something that I really looked forward to; the attention, the gifts; and the celebration of me. My mother would always spend the day with me doing everything that I wanted. She called it an "all about me day" and that is exactly what it was. We usually went out to breakfast and then spent the rest of the day shopping with the birthday money I had received. But as I got older my birthday became less exciting and more of a let down. Being so young for my grade aging up didn't seem as exciting because everyone else already passed the same milestone. My birthday also happens to fall very close to thanksgiving and some years its the same day. This made it hard for me to have birthday parties as I got older because all of my friends had to spend time with their families during the holiday season. Overall my birthday seemed to become something that instead making me feel celebrated, made me feel unfulfilled. The past couple weeks of my life have been some of the most exhausting physically and emotionally. I suffered from a severe case of pneumonia which left me feeling weak and I started to become severely sad due piling insecurities and stressful events happening in my life. Overall I wasn't looking forward to this years birthday celebrations. However this birthday different. I woke up in a good mood for the first time in what felt like forever. It was probably from the love I was feeling from the night before. I stayed up until the clock struck midnight and opened up the cards from my family. My extended family sends me cards for Christmas and my birthday every year but for the first time I felt incredibly thankful and appreciative for the cards I had received. I got dressed in a cute outfit and actually did my makeup and hair for class. I spent the day feeling confident with each incoming celebratory text message from old friends and new. Later that day I got my favorite dessert (fro-yo) with best friends. They showered me with the best gifts and again I felt truly loved and appreciated. It was something that I really needed. I was feeling very alone and it seemed that negative thoughts just continued to pile into my head. My birthday was a reminder that I am truly loved by the people I surround myself with and at the end of the day I have their support no matter what I'm going through. This is something that I sometimes forget when I overthink myself into a hole. So Cheers to Nineteen!! Its my last official year as a teen before I enter the world of the 20 somethings. My goal this year is to grow. I think I spent too much of 18 thinking. My introspective though became more harmful than beneficial. I began to focus on my bad faults instead of my good. This year will be different. Nineteen is the year of focusing on the good. My good traits, my good relationships, my good goals and dreams. I will not let self pity consume me anymore. These are the times of my life I've been looking forward to for forever and its finally time to live.
I started this blog about three years ago when I was a Junior in high school. Like many of the ideas that spring from my head, it started off great and then crashed and burned. Yesterday I realized that my life is just going to get harder and harder. It was honestly a real slap in the face but also a wake up call. It allowed me to really think about the things that have been bothering me lately. This morning while I was scrolling through my twitter feed I came across this tweet
I've been focusing my time and energy on all the wrong things and now is my time to make things right again. I want to bring back my inner peace and be the best version of me because I haven't seen her in so long and I miss her very much. Today marks the beginning of Sagittarius season and I can tell big things are coming. Here are things the new Sagittarius energy will bring Sagittarius Energy
"You feel heard, your ideas are well-received, your confidence is renewed, and you’re in a position where everyone notices you again."I'm excited for whats to come and the new energy that I have been given. I don't know how to describe it but things just feel right.
Till next time my friends, Heaven |
Author:Straight from my mind to yours. Quote of the Month:Destroy the thoughts, not yourself Archives
January 2019
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